Off to work!
[gasps] You're up early.
They started doing breakfast at the restaurant...
Bagels with scream cheese, French ghost, et cetera.
Morning, Lillian.
Hi, hi.
- Aah! - Good morning, Lillian.
Just need to use the facilities.
What a disaster.
- [cell phone chimes] - Oh, a text.
I wonder who it's from.
It's from Jacqueline. She's the only one who ever texts you.
I'll have you know I also get texts from the ex-girlfriend of the guy
who had this number before me.
She has HPV, and she hopes I have it too.
It's Jacqueline asking you to do something
she can do herself.
Wrong.
It's the president.
And he needs me to turn on Ms. White's coffeemaker.
[Robert] Done.
[male voice] Power on.
Why are you licking them like that?
Who's that for?
They'll know. [giggles]
So, Kimmy, what do you think?
Turtle Island? That sounds cool.
"Turtle Island" is a Native term for America.
What? But that's way better.
Why'd we change it?
At the Olympics, it'd be like,
"And the gold medal for handstands
goes to Kimmy Schmidt of Turtle Island."
Turtle Island! Turtle Island!
Kimmy, we're two weeks away from the greatest charity event
this town has ever seen.
Mimi is taking care of the invitations.
But there's so much else to do.
I'll just lick these all day and then have a sensible dinner.
I need you to go buy alcohol for 200 people.
But I can't buy alcohol. I don't have an ID.
Well, then go to the DMV and get one.
Ugh, not the DMV.
That place is the worst,
based on my knowledge of '90s stand-up comedy.
I'd rather try to open a bag of peanuts on an airplane.
[chuckles]
What's the deal with those?
Right? [chuckles]
What else? What else?
Fine, I'll go after my paying job
that I'm already late for.
Dang it!
What a third wheel, right?
Well, deck the halls.
Look who decided to show up.
I'm sorry, Terry.
I was helping a friend with her coffeemaker.
And the last time?
The same friend needed me to paint her stolen police car
to look like a black Mercedes.
Kimmy, remind me, where do Santa's elves work?
Is it a goof-around shop or a play shop?
Or is it a screw-your-boss-raw shop?
Because that's what this is starting to feel like.
It's a workshop, sir.
It won't happen again.
Now clean that up.
I'm cooking.
[crunches]
[groans]
I know why I'm home early.
The oohmelet bar set a mummy on fire.
What are you doing here?
I need to find a bill with my name on it
so I can get an ID.
Bingo! Columbia House.
Now I need to run to the DMV.
Ugh, the lines there are so long,
I feel like I'm waiting for my ex-wife to come back from the bathroom.
[laughs]
Ladies, why you got to go in groups?
What's so great in there?
Val Kilmer set up a kissing booth or something?
[laughing]
Then I need to get back to the Christmas store
before my lunch break is over.
I was late again because I was helping Ms. White.
Okay, Kimmy, I have been exploited in the past.
I once went to an open audition that was just a bum fight.
She's not exploiting me.
You cannot let that woman get in the way of your paycheck.
Our budget is based on a two-income household.
Or would you like to send this month's tape back to Columbia House?
This won't affect the tapes.
The Wayne's World 2 soundtrack is coming.
That's what you're playing with.
I can be a good elf and a good friend.
[cell phone chimes]
Yes, it's Ms. White.
She probably just wants to see how her good friend Kimmy is.
She needs something else.
Wait, why is my phone asking me to select a wireless network?
A wireless network? Who has "wiffee" around here?
'Cause I sincerely doubt that the guy who sells socks
by the overpass is providing high-speed Internet to the community.
Wait a minute. Slow down with all the tech talk.
Socks?
Kim, let me explain how the Internet works.
See, it's not a big truck.
It's a series of tubes,
and those tubes are filled with the Internet.
And it's coming here through the air.
That's probably what's making the apartment smell like farts.
Mm-hmm.
[gasps] We're online! Like scientists!
Do I!
'Cause my roommate is trying to get fired,
and it's only a matter of time before I take a weird stand
about something at work.
Wait, so it's like a sleepover with strangers?
- But they pay us? - I'm doing it.
I'm putting our apartment in the phone.
What's a cozy uptown duck palace?
Stupid autocorrect!
Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com
Resync by CookiesMonsta
♪ ♪
[Bankston] ♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
♪ It's a miracle ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
♪ But females are strong as hell ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
♪ It's a miracle ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
That's gonna be, uh...
you know, a fascinating transition.
[singers] ♪ Damn it ♪
[tango music]
♪ ♪
[lisping] What took you so long?
[lisping] Why are we lisping?
We are not lisping.
I shattered a tooth.
Stop saying "S" s, stupid.
One moment.
You have to talk to the dentist.
They're not taking me seriously.
That's why you called me over?
I got to get back to work.
Say you're me and you have to get in today.
[with British accent] Hello, poppets!
I don't talk like Mrs. Doubtfire.
It's always weird to hear your own voice.
I asked the doctor, but the soonest I can get you in
is in three weeks.
It's the beginning of bleaching season,
and people tend to start with the teeth
and work their way down.
Oh, children!
And I see here that you're no longer on Mr. Voorhees' plan,
so please be sure to bring some form of payment.
Do you not understand this is an emergency?
I get making people wait for a kidney,
but this is something people can see.
The mouth is the eyes of the lower face.
[line clicks]
Excuse me. Thank you.
She needs to be walked.
And keep her Instagram updated.
I got the stamps! [giggles]
Unlike my ex-husband, they're forever.
[chuckles and sobs]
I can't host a gala like this.
A New York philanthropist can be missing many things...
An eye, a leg...
A toenail if it's winter?
Shut up, Mimi.
But not a tooth, never a tooth.
There's a dentist in my neighborhood named Señor Dentista.
He does walk-ins, and his bus ads make it
very clear that he does not snitch.
I'm going to pretend I didn't hear any of that.
But what I will do is show up at Dr. Weitz's office
and in-charm-idate myself into an appointment.
[Mimi] But what if someone sees you?
Teeth are the boobs of the mouth.
[upbeat pop music]
♪ ♪
[male voice] The Freshmaker.
Power off.
Lillian, do you have a spare key to our apartment?
Why? You know our locks are just decorative.
I rented my apartment on AirBnB.com,
not to be confused with BearDinB.com,
which is awful.
[gasps]
I breathe like that sometimes.
But also... [gasps]
How could you?
What were you thinking bringing Internet people into our neighborhood?
I was thinking I could get $80 to buy
a wonderful box of capes that I saw
at a medical supply store.
Don't you get it? They're hipsters.
And that means gentrification.
Ugh! Listen to me.
I miss the old days when the longest word I knew
was friggingiuliani!
They're not hipsters.
They're just two hayseeds from Texas whose bodies
will wash up in the East River in a couple of weeks...
Crabs eating their eyes,
their genitalia stuffed in their mouths.
Stop telling me what I want to hear.
I like the neighborhood the way it is.
Morning, Meth-Head Charlie!
It's my TV!
Well, it doesn't matter.
Our guests will be here later today.
Now imagine that exit with a cape.
I have a 2:30 appointment with Dr. Weitz,
Jacqueline White.
Ms. White, you don't have an appointment today.
Well, someone made a mistake.
I spoke with this horrible woman on the phone earlier.
- That was me. - I like your nails.
- In I go. - Dr. Weitz's schedule is full.
Look, I know Dr. Weitz personally.
I saw his daughter do ballet,
even though she doesn't have the body for it.
But my name is on the list.
I left my purse inside.
I used to live here.
Do you have any idea how much money I donate to this opera?
Oh, hello, dear! I think...
Well, I hope you're proud of yourself.
♪ Ding-dong, it's Christmas ♪
Shh! Christmas mat, no!
You're hilarious, but please, cease your magic!
You're off your shelf, elf.
Terry, I know I'm late, but my friend
is having a tooth emergency.
Friend? Look around you.
This is not the kind of business for people who have friends.
Kimmy, you're done here. Clean out your stocking.
What?
No, sir, I need this job.
I love working here.
It's Christmas every day.
You can't fire me on Christmas.
I'm gonna need your jingle bells back.
I lost them.
[bells jingling]
♪ Ding-dong, it's Christmas ♪
Good news, K-PAX.
I rented the apartment on tubes.
I left a key under the mat, and now we just
let the cape money roll in while we sleep at the library.
By the way, we're sleeping at the library.
Well, I'm glad you're making money.
I just got fired.
And before you say anything, it's not Ms. White's fault.
I should be able to help my friends and have a job.
That's a cakewalk compared to what Santa does.
Delivering presents all over the world in one night?
Wait.
You think Santa... You know what?
Now's not the time.
Look, maybe Ms. White takes me for granted sometimes.
And the award for understatement of the year goes to...
Kimmy Schmidt for, "Ms. White takes me for granted sometimes."
[scoffs]
But she needs my help.
And thanks to her, I got my learner's permit.
A rat fell from the ceiling when they took the picture.
Ew.
Sure, the Christmas store was cool,
and I loved wearing a little hat.
But I can find a better job.
I'll just get a newspaper... Wait.
If I find a job in the classifieds,
am I allowed to tell anyone?
[cell phone rings]
Hi, Ms. White.
I'm sort of busy with career stuff right now,
so unless it's an emergency... It is?
I'm coming. I'm coming.
And the award for most gullible woman alive goes to...
Julianne Moore!
I love her!
Julianne is filming in Prague.
I accept this award on her behalf.
Hey. You got your tooth fixed.
This, Kimmy, is a French-manicured press-on nail
that I purchased at a car wash gift shop
after the Mento didn't work.
The Mento didn't work?
I think the glue got in the nerve.
My mouth is killing me.
I can't believe it's come to this, but I need to go to Doctor Dentista.
Wait, you want me to drive?
I am in so much pain, Kimmy. I'm seeing double.
Well, I guess I have had some driving lessons.
[in Spanish] Cut the wheel! Harder!
You drive just like your mother!
You're making me more nervous.
- I need my tunes. - Click.
This is Shadoe Stevens counting down today's top hits.
Coming in at number 12, a little of that SoCal sound.
♪ Some... ♪
[in Spanish] Turn off that garbage!
I can do this.
I just have to remember the advice Donna Maria ended all her lessons with.
[in Spanish] I'm sick of this stupid game.
We're all going to die down here!
Hello, you must be the lodgers.
I'm your landlordess, Lillian.
- Oh. - Oh, hi.
I'm Bob Thompstein. This is my wife, Sue Thompstein.
- Hey. - Thompstein?
That's unusual.
Oh, yeah, it's a combo of both of our last names.
- Bob felt... - Classic Bob.
I didn't know they did stuff like that in Texas.
- Oh, well, we're from Austin. - Yeah.
How wonderful.
And how long have you had the mustache, Bob?
Oh, a couple years.
I saw Michael Cera grow one, and I was like,
"That's hilarious. I'm in."
- Yeah. - [chuckles]
And what do you two do for work?
For...
Oh, I'm sorry.
I mean, can you believe that you get paid
to follow your bliss?
- Right? - Yeah, Bob's a sneaker artist.
And I do digital outreach for South by Southwest.
Are you now or have you ever been a member of Arcade Fire?
Um, yeah, so we actually, like, really have to get changed
because we have tickets to go see these malfunctioning
Chuck E. Cheese characters reenact an episode of Full House.
[Kimmy] Ms. White, I know you don't feel well,
but I'll be Michael Knight, and you be KITT.
And when I say, "Activate turbo boost,"
you say, "We're approaching a residential area."
Will you be quiet?
Stop acting like every day is kindergarten show-and-tell.
What, do you want a sticker that says "great driving" or something?
I can tell by the way you're saying it,
you don't actually have one.
Please, just shut up and drive.
You know, I was fired today.
I could really use a friend to...
[muffled music playing]
- Looking for something? - [gasps]
Damn it, Lillian, I just washed these pants.
That's a lie, and you know it.
Forgot your Barbie night-light, didn't you?
I knew you couldn't spend the night alone
without her in that scary library.
Please, what's scary about books?
Just a bunch of leather-bound paper that used to be cows and trees,
and they won't rest until we pay for what we've done to them.
I met Bob and Sue, Titus.
They are not a nice couple from Texas.
They're hipsters.
Oh, you think I'm crazy just because they named
that disorder after me.
But this time, I'm right.
Look, look what I found in their luggage.
"Sole Food: an artisanal fair trade sneaker experience."
We already have a way to get sneakers around here.
We wait till they fall off the telephone wire.
Hmm, and they want to open Sole Food in an old soul food restaurant,
like how the first Hooters was opened in an old mammogram center?
And what is the only soul food restaurant left around here?
Mabel's.
So? That place is gross.
I only eat there to get food poisoning before bathing suit season.
It's not gross to me.
And it wasn't gross to my late husband, Roland.
Until recently, I couldn't even have a dead husband,
so ♪RespectMyJourney.
Mabel's was our place,
Roland and me.
We made our best memories there.
What do you think about this sweet lick, my funky little mama?
[plays bass riff]
It's beautiful.
What do you call it?
I call it "Lillian:
Will You Marry Me, My Honky Princess?"
[gasps]
Also, we made love there a bunch.
I'm sorry, but things change.
I mean, I don't look anything like I did when I was a baby.
Okay, bad example.
Someday you'll be that crazy old kook
who doesn't want things to change
and who clings to the past
and who pees a little during long speeches.
And when that day comes, I hope it's not too late
for you to save the things you love.
That would have been better with a cape.
My hair is a cape.
[tires screech]
Oh, sure, let me get the door, Your Highness.
Would you also like me to fan you with a big leaf?
Oh, that leaf isn't big enough? A thousand apologies.
I'll just ask the leaf keeper for his biggest leaf
for Her Excellency.
This is worse than childbirth,
and Buckley initially tried to Alien his way out of me.
Doctor Dentista? What's going on?
No, no, no, no. It's Señor Dentista.
I am not a doctor.
And this is me going out of business.
- No! - Ah, you speak Spanish.
Sí, the rent in this neighborhood is out of control.
Twenty years ago, I won some dental equipment in a poker game.
And now there's only one thing left to do.
[somber music]
It's over!
Let go, Dante.
Let go.
[scoffs]
Shh.
[Jacqueline] This isn't happening.
This is not my life.
Is this the part of town where flies are made?
You know I live here, right?
Look at me.
I can't get medical care.
I'm standing on a street named after a rapper, I guess.
Malcolm the Tenth was a black pope.
So that's it.
I'm just one bad tooth away from...
From turning into you.
You know what, Ms. White?
Maybe you should turn into me.
Because I appreciate people.
I say things like "thank you" and "great honking."
And if you were me, you might realize
that you-me should be nice to me-me.
Because you're not being a friend.
You're being a grade-A jerk brain.
Oh, so the best jerk brain.
For once, put yourself in someone else's shoes.
Jesus, no!
They look like they're from a restaurant dumpster.
They fell off a telephone wire, and I ran to them fastest.
[Sue] Baby, come here.
It's a meth-head fighting with a prostitute.
This neighborhood is so authentic.
Why do people always think I'm a prostitute?
No, I'm having a medical emer... Oh, God.
I just swallowed my nail tip.
- This is so great. - It's gonna be perfect.
This is gonna be perfect.
My gala is in two weeks.
I'm trying to change the world,
and you can't do that by being nice.
Well, maybe I'll act like you
and only care about my own stuff.
So if you want me to do anything for you,
like drive you home right now, you're gonna have to pay me.
Fine.
Because you're my employee.
And nothing more.
Fine by me, boss.
But you will be buying me a little hat.
♪ Got $80, gonna buy a box of capes ♪
♪ Can't live in the past ♪
What the hell is a vape?
What in the world?
So we're not friends now.
So she's my employee now.
This is way better.
I don't have to worry about her dumb problems
or her fancy-pants life.
I'm social royalty.
She grew up drinking Kool-Aid on that tractor
that her mother wanted her to marry.
From now on, all I care about is getting paid, yo.
Like the dad from Mary Poppins before he got them kites, son!
Just because she can pull off that hat
and I can't because of my weird-shaped head,
but that's between us, me.
I'm done with her.
[tires screech]
[Jacqueline] Wait here for me, driver.
What? No, I can't stay here.
And I can't circle the block without you in the car.
I only have a learner's permit.
Well, you should've thought of that before you chose
to live underground for 15 years.
[car horns honking]
If you're a Transformer, transform and fly out of here.
No, don't! I'll be crushed!
Did you get the address?
Are you my Uber?
Are you a licensed driver over the age of 25?
[car horns honking]
Then I'm your Uber.
[man] Wait a second, you're not Mamadou.
- This is just too good. - It's everything.
- It's so good. - It's everything.
Oh, you going to Mabel's? Bad idea.
They don't wash the knives in there,
so when you get stabbed, it's really bad... When.
- Babe, did you hear that? - Yeah. Uh-huh.
People still get stabbed around here.
I know. I cannot believe we beat the gays to this neighborhood.
Okay, let's go get some Polaroids.
- Yeah. - Let's send them to our Design Yuko.
- Okay. - Okay?
Namaste.
[stammering]
[gasps]
Everything.
The Shoemidor will go right here.
Obviously.
What the hell?
Do you have a rezzie?
Vation?
For what? This place is empty.
Unless there's a secret password-protected
after-hours speakeasy behind that door.
Egg! Shyamalan! Ojai!
Oh, my God. Are you trying?
Ew.
Lates, Chaz.
See you at Portlandia's for Skee-Ball.
TTYL, Kainoah.
First I'm hitting that sneaker store
someone opened in the dairy case at Key Foods.
Another sneakertorium?
But we already applied to Saint Ann's.
[stammers]
- Die, hipster scum! - No, no, no, Lillian!
It's me, your Titus.
My Titus.
Oh.
Where's my driver?
[sighs]
[snoring]
[sighs]
And I thought we were pathetic.
Oh, my God, desk lady?
I didn't know she had legs.
Of course.
Happy birthday, Linda.
Excuse me.
Do you know who I am?
I'm sorry. That came out wrong.
[pompously] Do you know who I am?
I know who you are, Ms. White.
Look, I'm not the best at...
I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry about the way I spoke to you yesterday.
So here.
No, Ms. White, I can't take your shoes.
Please, just make sure all of Dr. Weitz's patients
see you wearing these.
They'll spend all day wondering whose husband you're sleeping with.
It'll drive them insane.
I see you got your central incisor fixed.
No, these are a part of a sexy Joe Biden Halloween costume.
[laughter]
So what made you come to your senses?
I found out where the free "wiffee" was coming from.
Lillian, Pawn Werlt got gentrified.
It's a vape shop now.
That place is where we first met.
These are vintage "Borbie" dolls.
I will not accept anything less than $1,000 for them.
I'll give you $6.
Eight!
Look, I'm broke. $7, final offer.
Okay, four, and I'll also dance for you.
No. Excuse me, excuse me. Listen, listen.
Mister, don't let this guy take advantage of you.
It doesn't matter.
I'm leaving New York.
Wait, no.
No, you're not. Listen.
I got a basement room that nobody wants.
I'll give you a couple months' free rent
in exchange for some of that dancing.
Titus Andromedon.
You don't need to know.
It's gone?
Gone, gone, gone.
Like cut-up doughnuts after church.
But if those beardos think they're gonna come in here
and destroy our memories without a fight...
They picked the wrong neighborhood to try to improve.
[man] Is this where the secret speakeasy is?
They're coming.
Hey, Ms. White.
I brought your car back.
Oh, you got your tooth fixed.
My new friend Linda fit me into Dr. Weitz's schedule.
She even coded it to Julian's insurance.
How did you ever convince her to...
I was nice to her, okay?
Are you happy? I was nice.
And I learned it from watching you.
And that's why I got you something
from Dr. Weitz's toy chest.
[gasps]
Stretchy sticky hand! Sweet!
I'm gonna throw it against stuff till it loses its stick
'cause of hair.
Kimmy, I will try to appreciate you more.
For example, I love how your hair matches your gums.
But I understand if you don't want to work for me anymore.
Actually, Ms. White, I don't want to work for you anymore.
'Cause I want to go back to just being your friend.
Because you actually taught me something too.
Are you gonna steal my look?
You've taught me that it's okay to ask your friends for help,
even if it might be a pain in their rear.
'Splain it.
I promise to help you with whatever you need whenever you need it,
if you let me borrow your car in between times.
'Cause you're looking at a fudging Uber driver.
They gave me a phone.
I've got two phones now.
I can call my other ear.
I'm really happy for you.
Thanks, Ms. White.
No.
Kimmy, Ms. Jacqueline.
[upbeat pop music]
♪ ♪
[male voice] Die Frischmacher!
♪ It doesn't matter what comes ♪
♪ Fresh goes better in life ♪
♪ Take it easy, you are full of life ♪
♪ Nothing gets to you ♪
♪ Staying fresh, staying cool ♪
♪ Take it easy, you are full of life ♪
♪ Fresh goes better, fresh goes better ♪
♪ Fresh goes better ♪
♪ It's easy when you're full of life ♪
♪ Fresh goes better, fresh goes better ♪
♪ Fresh goes better ♪
♪ It's easy when you're full of life... ♪
[male voice] The Freshmaker!
♪ When you're full of li... ♪
Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com
♪ ♪
- Good night, everybody! - Good night!